Thursday, January 1, 2009

WTF MotherKiller?

So I've come out all international now. I used to be a drunk. And I went to AA and was still a drunk by their standards, though I mostly didn't do shit. That's not fair, and I don't care who you may be.

A kindergartner could figure out what my classy liberal arts education couldn't prepare me for. That they're just fucking wrong. Once a drunk, always a drunk?


A disease?

Wrong. If not, then the scientific model has to go as it's the only ailment for which the only "official" cure is religion. The courts back me on this one, too, so already just shut the fuck up about its being a spiritual, not religious, program. Their roots are culty feely Christiany gone bad. That it's become the American standard for treatment of addiction is more ludicrous than anything even Schizoid the Prez has come up with. We are fucking blind, and we do not want to see, at least mostly, most of the time, most of us. Thank justice that there is a bit of sophiticated thinking to be had on this point.

It is the only way to have either/or sobriety and/or stability and/or life.

Wrong. So wrong. So, so wrong. By its own stats, AA has a five (yes 5) percent population retention at one year. And I can guarantee you that's not the same as sober, happy, free, or anything other than a warm butt in a metal chair.

It works if you work it.

Wrong. Just because it works for a sweet and wondrous precious few says nothing about those steps. It says a lot about those sweet and wondrous precious few being ready to be done with being so nuts. Most folks have issues at one time or another with a substance and almost all get over it because it's time to get a life worth having. This is not a credit to anyone, and I wish we could put someone's good future into their present as much as anyone, but life is not that way. Sucks, doesn't it. Our lack of control over anyone else's interior life. But there you have it.

My [fill blank] has been in AA {xx] years and it's changed their life.

Lucky them. Lucky you. I have a lovely face, and lucky me. Luck. Luck. Fuck.

AA is the source of life for people who attend, and saying otherwise is like shooting the jumper off a building.

A tempting proposition for the truly lovely among us to shut the fuck up, no? Except that people who go to AA have a 29 percent suicide rate. That's because their guilt for trespassing is so enormously overwhelming they can't imagine the humilation of returning to that group with their rank stripped, a base rookie, consigned to the stupid corner until later notice. This happens. It is endemic. It is the primary damage of this program as I have experienced it. Utter humiliation is not good juju for the soul. You didn't work it, it's your fault, you're "constitutionally incapable" of being honest. WTF???

I'm now so angry that i have to go calm down before I go on.

More later.


Lourda Leigh said...

My sweet cyber-friend -

I intended to e-mail you after the election. We were all so elated and stunned and breathless. So many of my Big Red Buttons had been pushed during those Palin/McCain days that when it was all over I was exhausted - and realized that some of my life had been on hold.

The things that helped to sustain me - your site, One Good Move, and The Daily Show, among others - had to be put on Pause while I played a little catch-up.

Insert Deep Breath.....

I just read your last two posts and want to tell you how much I appreciate your openness and honesty. It is brave of you to put yourself out there in this way - and I could not agree more with every single shred of it.

Growing up in New Orleans taught me a lot about addiction. Many of my friends have been or are still alcoholics or drug addicts. A lot of my friends growing up are dead.

Many more are completely, 100% addicted to religion and are living lives that are so tightly wound that rage and depression is just a scratch-n-sniff away....and suicide is the greatest sin so what would be the point of that after trying so hard to please The Father. I don’t keep up these old friends any more than I do with the ones who died - but I am learning a lot about softening my view of their choices. As you can see, I have a long way to go on this.

I have experienced both AA and church and had the same experience that you have had in many ways. I have never known anyone for whom AA worked better than church; they do seem to be about the same. Most of the alcoholics and drug addicts I know try both of those together or separately for awhile and then return to whatever they had been addicted to in the first place - usually with a vengeance and an added boat load of guilt.

I am grateful to be rid of religion and the guilt and shame that go with it. I am proud to be rid of some of the addictions in my life and working on others, in my own way and with an enlightened and lighter sense of the world…..and I am thankful to know you in this way, that I found another person out there who tries as hard as or harder than I do.

I think I could rattle on for pages and pages and pages about all of this. I don’t really know people that want to talk about it like you do. I often find myself compelled to think more cognizently about my choices when I read your posts. Thank you for that.

By the way, I have taken some baby steps towards (maybe) becoming a therapist, specializing in ‘religious recovery’. I have even locked down the domain name We’ll see……

I wish you all the best for 2009.


Jill Draper said...

Such are the wonders of our world, sweetie. We meet across the ether and collide souls in often wondrous and sweet ways. We befriend and belove one another with all the power available in relationship, pick each other up with reliability not always seen in person. I loves me some internets.

I get scared, too, though. Because all this honesty is a bit much for a mature woman. But without honesty, I figure it's a waste after all, and I cannot do that at this late date.

xoxo, I do so adore your friendship and presence, kinship and fellow feeling. You're dabomb.

Anonymous said...

You're spunky as ever I see, and I love it. I think about you often, but never quite know what to say.